Sun, 04 Jun 2017 23:38:01 GMT
I'm broken hearted. Not even going to try to come up with words. Whatever is on my heart you know anyway. Oh God, I am so upset! I feel sick. I know Peanut is not a person, but it feels that way. I feel like I have lost a member of my family. In reality, I know that would be a thousand times worse, but it still hurts so bad.
When I close my eyes, I can see him in pain. I'm trying not to dwell on the possible reasons for his death as all scenarios are bad. I'm again reminded of the feeling of grief and I don't like it. I don't want to go there again.
I feel that pull to go down an unwise path. To sink into depression and sadness. Grief is good. It is necessary to heal. But grief is a fine and scary line for me. I have to be careful. Especially now as I am weaning off the medication. I feel like I am skating on thin ice with no safety measures in place. But you will keep the ice solid and keep me from falling.
I am not going to let this bring me down. I will trust in you to protect me from negative emotions. You are my comforter. You will shield me from the enemy's arrows during this time of grief. Help me not to dwell on the reasons why, or how Peanut died, but to allow your Spirit to soothe my mind and emotions. Give me peace and rest. Help Katie to erase the picture of the way she found Peanut from her mind. Help me to skate a figure 8 around the enemy. Make him understand that the ice will not break because you started a good work in me and will see it completed. Thank you God for being with me, and for always being there when I need you.