Fri, 04 Aug 2017 18:06:18 GMT
This is a serious prayer, and I think I may need to pray it again and again for a while. I have sin in the form of false doctrine wrapped around my heart like a Boa Constrictor, and it is slowly suffocating me.
I feel like I have spiritually lost control. I thought I was doing so well, but now I am coming face to face with just how far away I am from being a simple follower of Jesus.
Father, I've been influenced so heavily by false doctrines. Mostly all my life. I can't even think straight anymore. I have a history of exchanging true worship for emotional experience, and I don't know how to break away from that pattern of behavior.
I am still clinging to those worship lies for security even when you have pierced my heart with truth. I don't know how to repent. What to do.
I'm so sorry, Father, but a part of me wants to hold on. Some of those lies are dear to me. There is emotional attachment. I do not know yet if some things are truth or more lies, so I waver in confusion.
Some types of worship can make me emotionally and spiritually feel good, to feel sec ure. I feel happy. But that can be a lie from the enemy. Feelings are deceptive.
I've been so critical of those Jews in the OT who kept turning back to idols as I've read Mr. McFerrin's lessons, but now I understand. The temptation to turn back can be so strong when emotions are in control. I'm no different from those Jews.
If I truly loved you as much as I say, I would keep your commands. No questions. I would just do it. I would not keep running back to emotional idols for security. I am such a hypocrite.
I don't even know how you can be around me, God. How your precious Holy Spirit can live within me. I am such a mess.
Please help me to repent of these sins. Please.
I feel so alone. My closest brothers and sisters don't think these things are wrong; they think it doesn't matter because it is all just different interpretations. That we as Christians have the freedom to believe differently from each other. Maybe I am too strict. A Pharisee. I don't know. I think it matters.
I have read your Word. Lately a lot. I believe just as it did with Cain and Abel, my worship matters to you. Everything is not okay.
If you do not approve of my worship, it doesn't matter how much I like it, or how much I think it doesn't matter. It does.
It is hard to think you might not even hear nor accept my worship when done in the wrong way.
I'm so sorry, Father. I want to confess these sins to you so you can help me. I cannot do this by myself. I don't think others understand or even know what I'm talking about. I can't even talk to my preacher or the elders about it. They don't see some of these things as being wrong.
I worry so much. Sometimes I panic and wonder if I've gotten everything wrong--again.
I know you would never want me to be lost. You love me. But sometimes I worry I won't make it. This is my fault; not yours. You have been so patient with me, but now you seem to be turning on the light in my heart. You are showing me what displeases you. Please continue to be patient with me while I learn. Help me repent. Don't let go of my hand, Father. Please.